Doctors just told me I only have 6 months to live... 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook...

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One of the many lessons I have learned in my life is not to lend people money.
I once leant a person five thousand dollars for plastic surgery. Now I cant find the PRICK!

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My wife just put 300 pounds on a horse at the Cheltenham Festival.

"Get off that horse you fat bitch," I said, "before you break the poor bastards back!"

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Is it "blowjob" one word or "blow job" two words?

God I hate writing thank you cards.

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Stevie Wonder - 7 kids

David Blunkett - 5 kids

Ray Charles - 12 kids

I think it's safe to say it's not wanking that makes you blind!