If I ever became an evil overlord VII

It’s not easy being Evil Overlord. You must predict every situation or.. just watch some top 10 movies and make some notes.

151. I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.

152. I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.

153. My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.

154. I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.

155. If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.

156. If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.

157. Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I’ll post-date the completion 3 days after it’s actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.

158. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero’s surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma’;s Potato Salad.

159. If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I’ll run like hell.

160. Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.

161. I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.

162. If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.

163. When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.

164. I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.

165. As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I’ll just turn my back so the guards can’t read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.

166. If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.

167. If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who’s head of the world’s largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who’s trying to impress his dream girl, I’ll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.

168. I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.

169. If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.

170. I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.

171. I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.

172. I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.

173. Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero’s rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.

174. If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.

175. I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.

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This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.