Election Day in USA

Just six days from today, we’ll know for sure exactly which candidate will be suing the other for voter fraud. (Jay Leno)

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 That’s the big story, that Sarah Palin has stopped taking advice from McCain and is only looking out for herself. But does that surprise anyone here in Los Angeles? That happens all the time out here. An old guy pulls hot chick out of obscurity, buys her a lot of expensive clothes, introduces her to a lot of famous people. She gets bored with him and stabs him in the back. Moves on. Happens all the time. (Jay Leno)

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 According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant. (Seth Meyers)

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 Sarah Palin’s campaign made three stops today — Saks, Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdale’s . (Jay Leno)

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 Sarah Palin has said that the election is in now in God’s hands. Don’t relax too much -- God voted for Al Gore back in 2000. (Tim Hunter)

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 Sarah Palin says that when campaigning, she doesn’t wear her wedding ring. The shape of it hurts her finger when she’s shaking hands. And Bill said to Hillary, "See? I told you! That’s why!" (Jay Leno)

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 John McCain was on "Larry King" last night. It was kind of awkward at one point: Larry had to tell John McCain that 72 percent of his ex- wives were for Obama. (David Letterman)

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After his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat and lost his voice. Boy, the good news doesn’t stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another. (Jay Leno)

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 Barack Obama’s infomercial last night was called "American Stories." Amazingly, it was the highest-rated show on NBC last night. NBC is already talking to him about picking it up for 13 more episodes. (Jay Leno)

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 Today, Barack Obama hit back at the charges that he’s a socialist by  joking that since he shared his toys as a child, he must be a  communist. To which John McCain responded, "You had toys as child? I  had to play with dinosaurs."  (Craig Ferguson)

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Barack Obama insisted Thursday his tax plan won’t punish those who get  rich off their own skills, talent and drive. He left out people who  inherit their wealth. The Kennedys are so used to being shot it must  be a nice change of pace to be stabbed. (Argus Hamilton)

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Yesterday in Washington, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed  over the White House fence. The Secret Service told the man, "Get back  here, Mr. President, you have two more months." (Conan O’Brien)

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And President Bush [is] preparing to leave the White House. That’s a  big job after eight years, of course. Of course, on the bright side,  not a lot of books to pack up. (Jay Leno)

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According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, Americans drove 15  billion fewer miles in August than they did the year before. To which  President Bush said, "See, that’s one of the advantages of not having  a job to go to." (Jay Leno)

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As many as twenty to thirty thousand illegal immigrants have returned  home from the U.S. because of the bad economy. Solving the immigration  problem is the one success President Bush can finally point to. (Jim  Barach)

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Cold here in New York City. So cold, John McCain’s teeth were  chattering... on the night stand. (David Letterman)

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Obama is even more popular overseas. Gallup polled citizens of 70  countries and found that foreigners supported Obama over McCain by  nearly 4-1. It was an amazing poll:
30 percent supported Obama;
8  percent supported McCain;
and the rest supported David Hasselhoff.  (Jimmy Kimmel)